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Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch. 
I try not to think about things I can't control like war and poverty and my personal life.
Did you know that grapefruit tastes like it's trying to kill you.
Netflix removed my 3 year old's favorite movie. THE APOCALYPSE IS NOW!!!
My stripper name would be "Placebo Effect".
I have serious problems with intimacy and first impressions and friendships and strangers and everything else.
Grocery Store List: -Bottle of Wine. -Wheel of Cheese. -Get Well Soon card (for myself).
Just want to be rich enough to support my alcoholism with quality wine.
She calls it "making love." I call it "trying to destroy her."
I enjoy short walks into oncoming traffic.
There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.
Now pretend I said that sarcastically and read it again.
If you start quoting The Bible to me, I'll assume the exorcism has begun.
When the power goes out my family and I play with our phones by candlelight like in the old days.
Perhaps it's time to cross-breed an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you're interested in a pretty amazing hug.
Still not 100% clear on Applebee's BYOB policy.
When someone posts a picture of their new car and you want to reply, "Congrats on your $600 a month payment!"
It would be cool if Ariana Grande were really fat.
Well .... That's IT ... It's the LAST STRAW !!! ... I'm now going to vote for the candidate who left people to die, Covered up her husbands Sexual Assaults, And Threatened National Security ..... Because that other candidate said some mean things.
Can we get judge Judy to moderate the next debate? 