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I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private. 
My wife says we will only eat orange Skittles while watching the second presidential debate.
Hey, If American women are outraged at a presidential candidate's use of Naughty words .... Who the heck bought those ... 80 MILLION COPIES OF 50 SHADES OF GREY????
We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
I once saw Tony the Tiger and the Trix rabbit having Chex. It was grrrrrrross.
The best way to cook ramen noodles is to boil water, add noodles, wait three minutes, then try not to think about your life.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I try not to think about things I can't control like war and poverty and my personal life.
Did you know that grapefruit tastes like it's trying to kill you.
Netflix removed my 3 year old's favorite movie. THE APOCALYPSE IS NOW!!!
My stripper name would be "Placebo Effect".
I have serious problems with intimacy and first impressions and friendships and strangers and everything else.
Grocery Store List: -Bottle of Wine. -Wheel of Cheese. -Get Well Soon card (for myself).
Just want to be rich enough to support my alcoholism with quality wine.
She calls it "making love." I call it "trying to destroy her."
I enjoy short walks into oncoming traffic.
There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.
Now pretend I said that sarcastically and read it again.
If you start quoting The Bible to me, I'll assume the exorcism has begun.
When the power goes out my family and I play with our phones by candlelight like in the old days. 