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I went into the bathroom without my phone and now I know all the ingredients of cleaning solutions. 
If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.
Still trying to figure out what base "furniture shopping" is.
Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Y'all freaking out about the clowns as if women aren't afraid of being murdered by strange men while walking alone at night all the time.
At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.
Hmmmmmm ..... One says nasty words ........ The other does Nasty things. I wonder which one would hurt you most.
hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that
I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.
My wife says we will only eat orange Skittles while watching the second presidential debate.
Hey, If American women are outraged at a presidential candidate's use of Naughty words .... Who the heck bought those ... 80 MILLION COPIES OF 50 SHADES OF GREY????
We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
I once saw Tony the Tiger and the Trix rabbit having Chex. It was grrrrrrross.
The best way to cook ramen noodles is to boil water, add noodles, wait three minutes, then try not to think about your life.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I try not to think about things I can't control like war and poverty and my personal life.
Did you know that grapefruit tastes like it's trying to kill you.
Netflix removed my 3 year old's favorite movie. THE APOCALYPSE IS NOW!!!
My stripper name would be "Placebo Effect".
I have serious problems with intimacy and first impressions and friendships and strangers and everything else. 