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The most used electrical appliance in the wife’s kitchen is the smoke alarm. 
Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘Yes. What kind of font is this?’
I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.
Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.
My grandfather is voting for Hillary.I'd try to talk him out of it but he's been dead for a long time now....
So let me get this straight, the same people who are responsible for 9/11 are also responsible for 20% of Killary's campaign contributions. Anyone see an issue with this?
If Hillary becomes president she will be the first F President. Oh, sorry. I was going to say female, but the "emale" got deleted.
Kids nextdoor challenged me to a water balloon fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for mine to come out of the freezer..
Wikileaks just released El Chapo's Email too
Wikileaks should be ashamed of itself for illegally releasing Hillary's illegal activities.
b votin fo hillary dog. o we gon lose woopie yall
That moment when you accidently pour too much alcohol into your drink and you have to tough it out because Mama didn't raise a quitter....
My dream car would be a food truck.
Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance
Password security questions allow me to relive all of my childhood traumas. "Who stood you up for Senior Prom and how did your first dog die?"
A buddy of mine is making a documentary about white trash, not sure if it's any good, I've only seen the trailer
Your significance or importance on this planet must never be determined by another human being other than you.
Some people are only lovable online and should never be met in real life.
"My vote is for sale. Anyone want to one up Madonna? I'm taking offers..."
Yup ...... The best part of Wednesdays Presidential Debate was watching Hillary Clinton constantly looking down to read her illegal teleprompter built into her lectern. 