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My personal trainer says that I need to start eating healthier. I guess this means I have to start adding lettuce & tomato to my burgers 
You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth
If my "check Fuel" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it
Being a Man is great until you hear a noise late at night and your wife makes you realize that you are the one who is supposed to go investigate
My first childhood Lesson was that if you dream you're having a piss, you are most likely having a piss
Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity
"When did we first meet?" if we had sex the first I could recall otherwise dont waste my time !
The Constitution is Good
WHAT IS THAT ? A TWISTED SISTER PIN, ON YOUR UNIFORM !
I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the #bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.
Not to be outdone by the new "Coca Cola Selfie Bottle", CHARMIN is announcing their new "We're on a Selfie Roll!" bathroom tissue product. Now you can turn those boring old bathroom selfies into "Action Selfies"!
Obama is Evil!!!!
Are you still making frozen jokes? Let it go
The Only Sabbath that matters is Black !
If you paid to watch the Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar WWE fight ... GET A REFUND !
I've noticed that if you remove the vowels from the word "FEMALE" it spells FML.
Indi@n people win spelling bees, Jeopardy championships, and collegiate scholarships. They know everything...except the existence of deodorants.
Election still got you down? It could be worse. You could be a conjoined twin with a g@y brother who has a date and you're the only one with an @$$.
My neighbor finally put up his #Christmas lights today. I bet he's mad that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.
'When we were kids, we didn't have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren't there, we would get stoned like normal people.' 