Funny Status Messages

   My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile

   I wonder how many Turkeys the President will Pardon this year?

   The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological ..... One is Psycho and the other is Logical!

   "I don't celebrate thanksgiving because it's a story of murder....." well, if this is murder, it sure is delicious......please pass the yams.....

   If you have enough cats you don't even need a blanket.

   I just got back from a cannibal Thanksgiving get together. ..... I filled up on redhead again, didn't have room for Blonde tart .

   For all you #single people: Time to start thawing the #Thanksgiving hot dogs

   Hillary Guitar: Shrill tone, difficult to find input jack, available in Benghazi Blood, Millenial Snowflake White, or Jumpsuit Jail Orange finish.

   Oh and BTW, ,, Why haven't Pig Pen's parents been visited by child services yet?

   I just got back from a cannibal Thanksgiving get together. ..... I had a ball.

   "What do we want?"... "Hearing aids."... "When do we want them?".... "Hearing aids."

   My great grandfather is gone out drinking. He's celebrating finally paying off his student loan .

   Shut the F**k up, eat your turkey and just be thankful!

   That moment when you go to hit the "Like" button and it turns to a heart and you're like "Whoa whoa whoa, I don't like it that much."

   I know this is short notice, but does anyone have a bear costume I can borrow to scare the people camped outside Best Buy for Black Friday?

   If I'm ever arrested..my 1 call will be to the police station to tell them about a bomb scare. No way I'm staying there.

   Kanye West is said to be recovering well in hospital after an 8 hour operation to remove his head from his ass.

   If evolution is real why are there still monkeys? If Google is real why are there still people asking stupid questions?

   mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas!!!

   Kanye West rushed to hospital with suspected ‘dislocated ego’