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Childhood is just the ‘free trial’ edition of life. When it ends, you have to pay for the full version or else you’ll lose everything. 
The Mannaquin Challenge isn't new. Some of you have been standing around doing nothing your whole lives.....
Nothing puts me into the #Christmas spirit like #shopping. On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, On VISA.
I'm more like Elvis than most Elvis impersonators. I look nothing like him. I dress nothing like him. I sing nothing like him. It's just that women throw their underwear at me. I live in a dryer.
Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
If you bought a fruitcake this weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.
Life is full of fake people. Before you decide to judge them, make sure you're not one of them
I'm so straight that I eat my Hotdog from the middle
Tried practicing Fruit Ninja in the kitchen, ended up playing Temple Run with my wife chasing me like an Angry Bird
The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after a Zebra
What I envy in women is their ability to argue without any valid points whatsoever and still claim victory.
Well, all the leaves are off my trees so I guess I'll have to pee inside from now on...
..... Congratulations Redblacks!!! ...... Wait a minute .... What the heck is a Redblack? ..... Answer: Another Underdog ..... Who just won the Grey Cup!!! ..... OK .... It's the Canadian (People that live north of the US) ..... version of the Superbowl.
Hey Lady, Please don't blame the Holidays ..... For Pete's Sake ..... You you were Fat in August!!!
Ladies, unless you really want to bang me, please stop poking me if you're not going to follow through. . .
The Michigan fans are worse than the Hillary Clinton's supporters on whining when they lose.
LOOKING TO PURCHASE A STRIPPER POLE, USED PREFERRED ( I like to lick them ;) :P )
Never changing the oil in my car ever again! #NoDAPL
It's 4am...time to start my day. Milk the horse, pluck the goats, plow the chickens, etc. First day as a farmer doesn't sound that hard.
I'm looking for funding to publish my last two status updates... 