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Lesson learned: Never try to make pizza dough in the washing machine without first turning off the hoses. Okay. Never try to make pizza dough in the washing machine, period. 
Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.
You made a video of me and my friends? Well Facebook, who told you they are my friends?
Would it be smart for a department store to promise “we won’t check to see if you paid!” .... I wonder how long they would stay in business? .... Anyways, That's how the American Voter registration works.
911 is useless,they dont even care that I cant find my remote!
I just found out ISIS has been using porn sites to send subliminal messages! This explains my urge to run out and buy fertilizer every day...
Majority of the guys in the women's right march are 30-year old virgins who still live in their mum's basement. Most of them will be m asturbating on Valentine's Day and have never seen a live v agina in their pathetic lives.
If General Mattis runs for president in the next election, will his campaign slogan be "Mad Dog 2020"?
You want to gauge how dumb people are these days? No, don't look at Dept. of Education stats, SAT scores or even IQ's. Listen closely to someone ahead of you at a fast food drive thru place an order.
Remember when 'sex,drugs & rocknroll meant something other than 'sundays, anti-depressants & turn it down?'
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Sometimes I talked to myself because I need expert advice.
Try this yourself. If you take two fingers and push your cat's ears down he will look just like Yoda.
What does "prices too low to advertise" mean? Are they afraid if they advertise the price that too many people will want to buy it?
You can eat pizza every single day & still lose weight....Alternative fact.
If you want to get a bead on how cuckoo women are, just look at your fb newsfeed.
Majority of guys mocking the women march are 30-year old virgins who still live in their mum's basement. Most of them will be m asturbating on Valentine's Day and have never seen a live v agina in their pathetic lives.
I wish people would stop saying the husbands of the women who marched didn't get a sandwich that day. Have you seen those women? No way any of them have a husband.
I went out clubbing lat night. I got 12 baby seals; a new personal record. 