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I'm about to start telling folks different stories about my life. So when they get together to gossip, they just end up arguing. 
If medicine worked you wouldn't need to refill your prescription... If food worked you wouldn't have to keep eating. Not all medicines are cures, some prevent things.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
Maybe money can't buy happiness, but I think it's only fair to give me some and let me learn that lesson myself.
I remember the last gal I picked up from the bar.... not a beauty but not ugly either. I mean she was covered with ten foot pole marks....
I just witnessed a state highway patrolman pull someone over for staying in the left lane on 23. That was satisfying as hell. Left lane is for active passing in case you didn’t know.
OK. Who decided to call it Emotional Baggage and not Griefcase?
My wife is a 10 and so are her miles to empty.
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
I'm in favor of a law that requires all telemarketers to wear a shock collar that can be activated by pressing the pound key (#).
There are now people who believe in the flat earth theory all around the world.
My wife asked me to pick up "chips and salsa" on the way home from work, then abruptly hung up. I think she's still mad that she let me name the twins.
They say money talks. Mine just waves goodbye.
When your advertisement interrupts my video, it makes me really hate your product.
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone. Will you call it?" 12 people called me... I need smarter friends.
your body is made up of 70% water, Not coke
A bill collector called and said, "Your bill is now a year old". I said, "Tell it happy birthday" and hung up.
I'm kind of regretting my "Myspace Rules!" tattoo on my calf.
Advice: Date a woman with outstanding warrants. That way, she can't call the police on you. Follow me for more relationship advice. 