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When I was a kid we didn't have Facebook. We had a drunk uncle. 
Ok, I'm ready for rich people problems. I've mastered broke people problems, so I'd like to move to the next level please.
Whoever lost the iPhone 17 in front of Walmart this morning, STOP CALLING MY NEW PHONE !!!
Strangely the guy who invented the Ferris wheel and the guy who invented the Merry Go Round never met. Apparently they traveled in different circles.
Thanks to the people that walked into my life and made it better. And thanks to the ones who walked out and made it amazing.
If a liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that. What are they?"
Happy Thanksgiving ya turkeys!
Technically, your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.
A dolphin is just a fish with a better PR team.
The ocean is technically soup and now my brain hurts.
My dangerous sport? Disagreeing with my wife.
Octopuses are just wet spiders
Happy Thanksgiving! Just remember that Black Friday shoppers can still block and tackle better than the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving. Let that sink in!
Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair.
Yesterday, I left work pretending to be sick. Today, two colleagues didn't show up, claiming they caught it from me. Freaking liars!
I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving. And I hope you have a happy today too.
Before Walmart existing you would have to buy a ticket to see a bearded lady
At this age my biggest fashion question or fashion rule is… Can I nap in it?
I don’t understand plant-based burgers. It’s like vegetarians are saying “this tastes like a cow because cows are delicious” 