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I hate when people say "Act like an adult". Have you seen adults lately? That's horrible advice! 
I took my daughter to work on "Take your kid to work day". But when we walked in she started to cry. As concerned staff gathered round, I asked her what was wrong. And she said, "Dad, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"
They say "the machines of the future" will be as smart as people. Okay, but which people? Because that makes a huge difference.
Before the Internet, most people thought villages only had one idiot. We sure as heck did not have that right.
Rabbits can jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs can run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
I don't have a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops...
Marriage tip: If your wife buys tons of beauty supplies like mine does, just ask her "when they are going to start working". You want to make sure you get the proper bang for your buck.
In Canada, you just suck!
In Canada if we say ICE is here it means the lake's frozen and it's ice fishing time .
I've abused my body so much,the back of my drivers license has a list of Organs I Need !
People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependants in.
My boss calls me, "The computer". Not because of my technical skills but because I apparently go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
They should release the movie Groundhog Day under the name Groundhog Day 2 and call it a sequel
My bank just charged me money for not having enough money in the bank. Turns out I can't even afford to be broke.
Some of the buildings in town don't have a 13th floor, because everybody thinks that the 13th floor is bad mojo. If you live in a building like that on the '14th' floor, I'm here to point out the elephant in the room, which is that you can call it whateve
I really think it's time to take the warning labels off of everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.
I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.
97% of what I worry about, never happens. Apparently worry works.
My grief counselor just died. I really don’t care. I guess we made progress.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike. It's a vicious cycle... 