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My wife asked me to pick up "chips and salsa" on the way home from work, then abruptly hung up. I think she's still mad that she let me name the twins. 
They say money talks. Mine just waves goodbye.
When your advertisement interrupts my video, it makes me really hate your product.
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone. Will you call it?" 12 people called me... I need smarter friends.
your body is made up of 70% water, Not coke
A bill collector called and said, "Your bill is now a year old". I said, "Tell it happy birthday" and hung up.
I'm kind of regretting my "Myspace Rules!" tattoo on my calf.
Advice: Date a woman with outstanding warrants. That way, she can't call the police on you. Follow me for more relationship advice.
Did you hear about the duck who walked into a convenience store to buy some chap stick and cashier asked cash or charge? And duck said just put it on my bill.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I'm a little high!
Friend: You play any dangerous sports? Me: I sometimes disagree with my wife.
There are over 5,000 Gods being worshipped by humanity. But don't worry, only yours is right.
With so many things coming back in style... I can't wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
If you find yourself bored on a random day, just turn up to a random wedding and shout, "I still love you", and then wait for the drama to start.
Sometimes cheating can lead you to the right person😑
Work very Hard so that your kids won't have to Type Amen on social media for Blessings!!
I took my dog’s anti-anxiety medication by accident. Now I’m worried things are going to get ruff.
I just fell off a 15ft ladder getting decorations down from the attic.. good thing I was on the first step.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, my temper, even my mind.
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