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The bank just called and gave me the biggest compliment, said my balance is outstanding. I really needed that today. 
Happy Earth Day! I'm doing my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.
Whenever I see a warning label on peanut butter saying it may contain peanuts... I understand why aliens don't visit us anymore.
A little bird told me it's going to be a beautiful day. My cat ate it.
I pay attention to who reacts on my posts. Because as soon as I get rich, I'm buying you all tacos.
Good morning crazy people!
Have you ever looked at someone and said, "So You're the reason for warning labels?"
I checked Kelley Blue book today for my car's value, and it asked me if the tank was full or empty.
I've been laying here for over an hour waiting on my wife to make her move, but she's too busy watching videos on tik Tok.
Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone. Will you call it?" 12 people called me. I need smarter friends.
I googled my symptoms into WebMD. Turns out I have Gary Koenig.
Nothing annoys me more than watching a cashier and customer chit chat while we all stand in line!
I swear all I do is work, come home, blink... And then I'm back at work again.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $200. I gave her $100 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot!
I didn't sleep well last night. So I made my coffee this morning with Red Bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
Gas prices are so high the mailman started working from home. He called me yesterday and read my bills to me.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to find out when people aren't home. I'm glad I'm at home, with my pet grizzly bear, two hungry alligators, and a pack of wolves.
April fool's Day is over. Everything on the internet is true again!
Have you ever had one of those days, when you're holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don't have one. 