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I went to see a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $200. I gave her $100 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot! 
I didn't sleep well last night. So I made my coffee this morning with Red Bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
Gas prices are so high the mailman started working from home. He called me yesterday and read my bills to me.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to find out when people aren't home. I'm glad I'm at home, with my pet grizzly bear, two hungry alligators, and a pack of wolves.
April fool's Day is over. Everything on the internet is true again!
Have you ever had one of those days, when you're holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don't have one.
Yesterday I bought a map of the world. I then gave my wife a dart, and told her to throw it, and wherever it lands, I'll take you there on holiday. This year, we're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge. 🤣
Alcohol - The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance "medicine"
I've walked like an Egyptian, moonwalked, Walked this Way, walked on the wild side, walked on Sunshine, walked all over you and walked the line. I've done a lot of walking. I'm tired.
I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist. That's the last time my neighbor wakes me on a Saturday.
Why does the last bite always taste like fish?
No Burger King Day - Joe Biden
Dear diary... Today my friends asked me to go on a 5 mile run. So I made a list of things I'll need. 1. New friends.
Remember when the economy was so good that if someone had a roommate we thought they were gay ?
Not everyone knows this, but the paper towels by the gas pumps are for wiping away your tears after paying to fill your tank.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache. Then all of a sudden she isn't your friend anymore.
...and that is when I learned, never crank-up a belt sander while holding a cat!
Due to the ridiculous gas prices, I will no longer be stopping at stop signs or red lights. I can't afford to idle. Thank you for your understanding and stay safe!
my microwave impression: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM BEEP! BEEP! BE 