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The last time I had faith in the news was when it was with Huey Lewis. 
I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. Thankfully I was at work.
I grew up a stones throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries
Work is like a browser: 20 tabs open, 5 frozen, and you have no idea where the music is coming from.
I hate when I'm on Facebook and I'm rudely interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield.
The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me "amigo". Am I in a gang now?
10 million people share the same birthday as you. How special does that personalized horoscope feel now?
The reason that partakers of marijuana tend to enjoy Hostess® and Little Debbie® snack-cakes is because they're 'baked goods.'
My wife's New Year's resolutions: 1. I will not nag my husband. 2. I will not boss my husband around. 3. I will obey my husband's every command.
Facebook should have notifications like: "Karen and Steven took your post personal. Do you want to unfriend those people?"
We would probably be better off if Y2K had actually destroyed all computers back in the year 2000
Dear single women, please stop saying you should give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, please don't force an innocent cat to live with you.
Old people at weddings always poke me and say, "You're next". So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.
You can't explain something to people that don't even know which restroom to use.
Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November. All the rest have thirty-one except for January, which has about 100.
It’s better to poop in the sink, than to sink in the poop.
What concert only costs 45 cents? Fifty cent featuring Nickleback.
I asked my doctor, do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life? The doctor replied, I doubt it somehow, Mercury is in Uranus right now. I said, I don’t believe in all that astrology crap. He said, neither do I, my thermometer just broke.
I’ve never forgotten my Grandad’s last words to me just before he died. Are you still holding that ladder? 