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one of you people has stolen my brain, and I want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs dtt ny wurs 
the condoms I use are so sensitive, they stick around to talk to the chick for an hour after I leave."
All the Animals are on board and accounted for, Noah, but I've got bad news. The unicorns are gay."
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? This problem has finally been solved thanks to British scientists. In a related story, German scientist are researching how much wood could a wood chuck chuck.
Do you think the Man in the Yellow Hat mentions George on his Internet dating profile?"
my new excuse for leaving the bar early on a Saturday NIght: "I gotta Preach tomorrow."
that the only reason your EX-bf wants to have you have back is EX w/ an "S" at the beginning.
George Steinbrenner to be buried in Florida ... his family wants him as far from baseball as possible!
Beauty is common... significance is rare
Takes 6 days to come and then stays for just 1 day - Damn Saturday!
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.
my friend told me he just got a new walk-in shower so I had to ask, how the hell did you get in it before?
Lying about my age is easier now that I sometimes forget what it is.
A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance.
This just in...Steinbrenner tells Jesus he has 3 days to cut his hair and shave his beard or he will be benched
procrastination is when people say goodnight to facebook.
I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it......a bed.
Experts took a poll asking what part of the women do men notice first. The results stated 73% of men said women's eyes. Yea right, that's why we have a large food chain called "Pupils"
"You shouldn't compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think."
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