Funny Status Messages

   more frustrated than Muhammad Ali trying to play "Operation"

   suffers from compulsive-indecisive disorder. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

   say Jesus loves you... He only likes me as a friend, though.

   Sometimes I wonder what became of the imaginary friend I had as a kid... Did he go to imaginary college? Is he married to an imaginary woman or have imaginary kids? I should google his punk ass...

   Not sure if I want the government stimulating my package.... Will Michelle Obama be in the room?

   has a 'get-rich-slow' scheme... and it's working perfectly!

   when I'm in the shower I look down there and think to myself, "Either it's really small... or I have really gigantic legs."

   There's only two types of people who are against drinking: the people who never drink... and the people who really suck at drinking.

   wondering, if you get Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World, what do you get at Dollywood?

   the reason Oprah is fat...

   was pulled over and arrested for DUI. They police said my blood/awesome level was 10x over the legal limit.

   figured out a way to turn my dishwasher into a snow remover. I handed my wife a shovel

   thinking if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   will not be your emotional tampon

   experiencing life at a rate of several WTF's a minute

   No trees were harmed in the posting of this Facebook status, but several million electrons were mildly inconvenienced.

   wonders why, if vegetarian food tastes so good, do they keep eating Turkey-flavored this, Sausage-like that, and Meat-like Balls Marinara?

   you`ll notice after reading this notice, that this notice isn`t worth noticing

   When it comes to driving, anybody going slower than me is an idiot, and anyone going faster than me is a maniac.

   coo coo for Cocoa Puffs