Funny Status Messages

   Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts

   The "Oprah Winfrey show" ends in 2011. No wonder the Americans think the world will end in 2012.

   Why does Facebook ask what's on my mind...I am a male of the species so it should be bloody obvious!

   prays to God "Give us Michael Jackson back, take Justin Beiber instead"

   You know you're getting old if you look at an iPad and think "doesn't that look like an Etch-a-Sketch?"

   Did you hear about the Chinese parents who gave birth to a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

   If you don't like the way I drive, you can either sit in the seat next to me and encourage me forward while holding on, you can sit in the back seat and STFU, or you can get the fook out.

   Dear god, please can we swap Justin Beiber for someone with some actual talent?.. say Michael Jackson would be good...

   Know how to tell when a woman says something smart? When she starts her sentence with "Once a man told me"

   doesn't remember eating corn

   Wants to thank BP. Now I can wash and oil my lettuce at the same time

   BREAKING NEWS! Private IMs of Top BP Engineer released! BP-1: Nothing is working. Any more ideas? BP-2: What if we build a large wooden badger?

   What's the smartest thing thats ever come out of a womans mouth? Einsteins coc k.

   No, it's NOT cute for a guy to call another guy/girl "Bestie".

   I've been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.

   I bought a treadmill today.It's giving me a run for my money

   I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

   I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

   I woke up at 3am naked and holding a watermelon.

   Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.