Funny Status Messages

   What do women want? They don't know. When do they want it? Right now!!

   I was on the phone with Frigidaire service. I called from work. The girl insisted she needed the serial #. She was snippy. I said, "Count Chocula 666."

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Don't forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.

   As soon as them illegal dreamers is gone, I'm gonna get me one of them technology jobs they stole from me.

   Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.

   I'm sure those pesky Russians are behind these hurricanes!!

   Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?

   watching football the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch

   Florida is going to be covered in stripper glitter and cocaine pretty soon.

   My boss wants me to go to Time Management training today. Yeah, like I'm really going to be able to squeeze that into my already overloaded schedule.

   I went to a psychic to get my fortune told, but I realized she was a fraud the minute she accepted my check.

   The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.

   Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone's throat.

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   From the smell of things, people should be more concerned with underwear change than climate change.

   Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??

   I think Aliens are controlling the climate that's why we have to put an end to DACA

   You can either be an illegal or go to college in the USA but you can't do both

   Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.