Funny Status Messages

   You can't spell amusement without semen!

   ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

   A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

   I sure wish Texas had that $150billion that Obama gave to Iran.

   "Ask her out, Bro." "I can't." "Why not?" "I don't have the guts." -conversation between two skeltons.

   I saw a piece of trash blowing in the wind It made me think of you

   ..School has started. I got my life back. What evey mother is thinking.

   Most wives don't mind if their husband bring some work home to do. But my sister does, her husband is a mortician.

   A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

   it's no coincidence that "twitter" has a bird logo and somehow every pigeon in my neighborhood knows when I just finished washing my car.

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.

   I think hurricanes with male names should be called "himicanes."

   CNN, FOX, MSNBC. I'm not a fan of any biased news outlets. That's why I get all my information from one channel and one channel only. The Cartoon Network.

   The difference between a Socialist and a legitimate homeless guy holding a sign on a street corner, is the guy with the sign is at least putting forth SOME degree of effort to support himself.

   Happy Labor Day! The day we remember those long, grueling hours endured by women giving birth after reaching 10cm dilated.

   8 out of 10 people would rather destroy the planet than give up their jobs. Irony at its finest.

   North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has a hydrogen bomb at breakfast, a submarine ballistic missile at lunch and has one of his uncles executed at dinner

   I think Prince was hallucinating when he wrote "When Doves Cry". Has anyone ever actually heard a dove cry?

   You're never too old to be spanked. If you play your cards right.