Funny Status Messages

   The world overdosing on stupidity, having already destroyed the antidote.

   The media is terrible!!! They should have really help that beached whale (Christie) back into the water!! But no!! They just take pics and publish.

   Don't forget to proudly wave our American flags made in China today..

   Remember to leave a Budweiser and a rifle out under you America tree tonight for Kid Rock or he won't leave you any fireworks

   I'm in a Domestic Partnership with myself. One hand vacuums while the other one dusts.

   Hug her from behind but keep an eye out for her husband.

   I'm so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"

   I’ve been chatting online with a 14-year-old girl. Really flirty and sexy. Then she tells me she is an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?

   I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.

   Take the number of letters in your last name and divide that by your pin number. What answer did you get? That's correct.

   The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.

   Lets bring back Chuk Noris!!! And get rid of Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, Half man half woman former Kardashian husband now turned a woman who still likes women, Kardashians, Snookie, etc....

   QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!

   "When you fail at inventing the news, become the news" - CNN

   Pizza Guy: "Louie's Pizza. May I take your order? Me: "Is the owl there?" Pizza Guy: "Who, who?" Me: "Lol, that never gets old. Gimme a large all the way."

   Police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it..will be bailed tomorrow!!

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."

   I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.

   I hate when I pack on an extra twenty pounds for an upcoming movie roll and then I remember I'm not an actor.

   I bought a keyboard thinking that I'd learn to play it, but I lost interest so I'm taking it to the Salvation Army. I figure that now not only am I helping out an aspiring musician but I'm an organ donor as well so I feel twice as good about myself.