Funny Status Messages

   I just wish the light stays green at the intersection all day, today....

   Now we'll never know how to get to Sesame Street!

   Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky

   I think I may have a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O'Furniture

   Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

   There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.

   Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.

   Roll over Beethoven...:(

   Wife: Did you forget to run the dishwasher? Me: [drinking a beer from a crusty old flower vase] No. Why?

   Be a savvy consumer. Do your research rather than trusting your local circus barker’s claims that no other wonders on earth could compare to the oddities found in his freak show.

   “Buy one get one free” deals are an attempt by retailers to manipulate your shopping habits. Demonstrate your superior willpower by purchasing five.

   If you were considering jogging, remember you can also NOT consider jogging. No one is keeping track. Live dangerous. Stay in one place.

   A real cop show is one of them being on disability for blowing out a hammy while chasing a suspect.

   Siri, please delete all the baby videos from everyone's phones you're on.

   After the President asked for an intelligence audit, the FBI review showed that no signs of intelligence could be found at the White House.

   New Job For Kellyanne Conway: Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.

   St Patrick's Day taught me a valuable lesson, I'm not young enough to drink anymore.

   Jeff Sessions said marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin, which is like saying chocolate is only a bit better than the holocaust.

   I went to Whole Foods and then bought two printer cartridges and paid my Comcast bill. I’m broke until 2023.

   Secret Service laptop with highly sensitive information on it has been stolen, Kellyanne Conway blames her microwave.