Funny Status Messages

   Dance like your microwave isn't watching

   I've been eating Cheerios for years and never once have I felt like dancing before, during or after eating them

   Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?

   They say, "The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room". Sit down r.a.y.. Your insecurity is showing.

   Lord this body has been a good friend, buy I wont need it when I reach the end. Though I know the outcome I'd do it again.

   Q. What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe? A. The canoe will eventually tip.

   Russia hacked my Yahoo email, which now explains why those hot singles never responded ...

   would it be OK to repeal and replace my EX ??

   "Did you know you can make any quote seem legit if you put a famous person's name at the end?"-George Washington

   Work has been a pain lately. Too much stress at this stage of my life...and for that reason...I'm out. If only life were like Shark Tank.

   Mexicans won't be paying for the wall, instead they'll be getting paid to build the wall.

   My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   Ivm not leaving a will.. My final act will be leaving one more thing my family can fight about.

   Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.

   I've always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.

   I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...

   My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.

   The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.

   Don't eat the green snow!!!

   No matter how low I lower the bar of expectation, some people manage to roll right under it.