Funny Status Messages

   Just bought a crap load of staples from Staples. Headed to Dick's now.....

   .... One of the BIG problems with getting married too early in life is that .... When you get older .... The sexual position formerly known as 69 ..... Eventually becomes 96.

   If your boyfriend wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

   Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?

   Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realize it's not just some days.

   Would you want to trust your fate to 12 people who were too dumb to get out of Jury Duty?

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."

   Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," Naturally I assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

   This giraffe is such an attention hog they should name the baby "Kardashian".

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.

   What’s the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you why you want fries with that

   I thought we had something. You met my family, you made me dinner, you called me Honey. Now suddenly you are just a "waitress" who was "doing her job".

   Alcohol is like a push up bra for your personality...

   Relax America. The Russians have now confirmed there was nothing going on between them and the White House. What more do you need?

   Just remember when you vote that they care more about party than country.

   Can you imagine the outrage if Obama had refused to share his taxes with the people?

   Chicks with nice b( . )( . )bs always seem to say the right things.

   The secret of our marriage is chemistry. She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac.