Funny Status Messages

   Let's get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour you can make a boxed dinner while I figure out common core math homework.

   It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

   No one believes your brand new Cubs hat.

   Gosh I'm so glad Bono was named woman of the year. White men are hardly ever given favor over their completely qualified female competitors.

   Need this election to be over so I can focus on holiday anxiety.

   It's about time men started winning Woman of the Year awards. This inequality has gone on long enough.

   You'd be surprised how much stolen Halloween candy you can fit in your mouth when you hear your kid coming.

   The last thing someone who can't decide what to make for dinner needs is 101 different crock pot choices.

   True story: I met an Asian baby named Gary this morning, if any of you needed a pick-me-up.

   As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

   Due to the election I may start a moving co.

   The bouncers at all the bars in my town call me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone..

   I really hope Hillary starts her acceptance speech with "AM I SMILING ENOUGH FOR YOU NOW?"

   We all knew the first woman president would have to crawl through hell to get there. This is just what hell looks like.

   After tomorrow we'll no longer be hating folks because of their candidate. We can go back hating them for how they eat, or what movie they like

   NASA reports surging applications for astronaut training programs proves trending interest in space exploration. That or maybe more interest in leaving the planet after this lame election...

   No, she is a good woman. However, I don't agree with everything Hillary Clinton stands for or everything she says. Not everything... Not me personally no. -Janet Reno

   If Hillary wins, all public government announcements will begin with: Ladies, Gentlemen and Trannies....

   R.I.P. Janet Reno. But at least she'll still be voting for Hillary.

   This year, they should give out Xanax with the 'I voted' sticker.