Funny Status Messages

   thinks that Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.

   Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

   a man bumps into his ex wifes new husband and asks " hows the second hand fanny ? " the man replies " it great thanks , after the first 3 inches , its like brand new !!! "

   Lady in the grocery store, your kid is about 4 years old, don't you think he needs to walk and not have his feet dragging in the stroller?

   Man: "Would you like to dance?" Woman:(looks at you up and down) "No thank you." Man: "Sorry, you must've misunderstood me. I said: "you look fat in those pants!"

   Think Big. Think Positive. Think Smart. Think Beautiful. Think Great. I know,that's too much for you, so here is a shortcut. JUST THINK ABOUT ME!

   hideing from "knuckles" the bookie, damn you Sugar Shane!

   Clinton ruined a dress Obama ruined a nation!

   worried that my latest Salvation Army donatin will have tons of women homeless women looking like sluts from the 90's...

   You know Law & Order is taking over the world when you see "SUV" in a headline and wonder what idiot missed a typo.

   All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

   Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate a&& who owns this phone. Thanks :)

   There's a fine line between hyphenated words.

   I'm like Heather Mills. I only wear half of the shoes I buy.

   and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, I knew it was time to go.

   Hey Boston-LOVE THAT DIRTY WATER♥

   the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. I told her I wanted to be on cops

   how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready

   you know you got problems when you walk up to the ticket window at the train station and ask for a bourban and coke!

   she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."