Funny Status Messages

   My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

   The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

   its not team edward or Jacob its team necrophilliac or team beastiality

   I wanted a good suit for a job interview. The missus said"Why don't you borrow the suit your dad wore at the funeral last week?" It really was a good suit, so I grabbed a shovel,headed for the graveyard and........

   having a threesome with Ben and Jerry

   Scientists confirm diarrhea is hereditary, saying it "runs in your jeans."

   Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.

   Accidentally grabbing the glitter spray instead of the feminine deopdorant spray gives "disco stick" a whole new meaning.

   noticed a friends facebook status said that he's suicidal and thinking about jumping off a bridge. So I poked him

   I'm not lady gaga but I too want to take a ride on your disco stick

   me and my husband been happy for 20 years. And then one day we met.

   A dress is like a barbed wire fence. It protects the premises without obstructing the view.

   doesn't get upset at broken promises; I just think, why did they believe me?

   just had a moment of genius, a chocolate Easter bunny that is filled with the Cadbury Cream Egg filling......YUMMMM!!!

   the most confident when naked, too bad I can't be naked in front of my interviewers.

   Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you.

   At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.

   I feel pretty lucky. Thousands of people die every day and it's never me.

   No one is listening until you fart.

   When I'm on the phone, I like to press the buttons and say "Would you please stop doing that!"