Funny Status Messages

   I would go to Hell but Satan has that restraining order

   ♫ Twatwaffle ♫ is the new ♫ Hot Pocket ♫....sing that next time someone pisses you off and I guarantee you aren't going to be pissed for very long.

   Life is like a baseball game. When you think a fastball is coming, You gotta be ready to hit the curve.

   Just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Think I'll slip into a Snuggie and watch some infomercials.

   feeling like George Washington on a $1 bill... real single.

   wondering if Luke Skywalker ever masturbated using the Force

   Hamsters are really stupid, but, I'm the girl spending money to keep one housed and fed, so, there you go.

   Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

   Why is it you never crave Chick-Fil-A until it's Sunday...the one day they're NOT open?

   My baby just did something so smart that I'm thinking of ordering a maternity test

   - My mates were arguing over whether a glass was half empty or half full. So I took the glass and put the contents into a smaller glass. Problem f***ing solved...

   just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Now he's slipping into a Snuggie and playing with his Mighty Putty.

   Right now, my bracket is like a drunken one-night stand: sloppy but still doable....

   The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

   Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred...

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to farmville sydrome and turn you into a annoying tool

   I saw a sign on the back of a dump truck that said: "Happiness is getting your load off."

   convinced that if people really follow their dreams no one would get anything done 'cause people would just be having sex with everyone everywhere.

   I saw some drunk guy chasing his shadow down the street screaming "Give me back my wallet."

   If the outside is so great, why has man spent hundreds of years perfecting inside.