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trust is like a mirror you can fix it if its broken but you can still see the crack in that mother fuckers reflection! 
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was?
The sexual position 69 is now 96, due to the poor economy the price of eating out has gone up
Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished
cautious. There is a "Stop Time" button on the microwave that was probably supposed to read "Stop Timer" but I don't press it, just in case.
had a wonderful day. Unfortunately, this wasn't it.
They say that three out of four Americans have a mental illness of some kind. Look at three of your friends. If they seem okay,then you're that person.
If Polygram records,Warner Bros,and Keebler merged would the company be called Poly-Warner-Cracker?
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate....
Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions....
What do you get if you eat a Blackberry ? ... A Bluetooth.....
Life is too short to dance with fat girls
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
went 2 the corner store and saw the ugliest pregnant lady in the world and I just thought, 'Good for you.
Megan Fox naked. Oops. This isn't Google.
can't stand people who say "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
saw this on an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, oh...fly Delta?)
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
having a 10 second honda is kinda like coming out of the closet, some people may be surpised at first but in the end your still gay
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