Funny Status Messages

   thinks he messed up. One of my wife's girlfriends came over to the house crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.

   just watched CSI: Ozarks. The case went unsolved. Everyone's DNA was the same and there were no dental records.

   Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of Yankees players on them ...people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

   has a friend that was recently diagnosed with multiple personalities... yesterday he called me... my caller I.D. exploded.

   ...The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

   ....saying, "I apologize.", is the same as saying, "I'm sorry.".... unless you're at a funeral.

   n't letting people drive him crazy when he knows its within walking distance.

   imagining a world with no hypothetical situations.

   98.23% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

   getting sick of following his dreams, so he's gonna find out where they are going and catch up to them later.

   moved on to a better place & you're not coming.

   knows whats the diference between a wife and a girlfriend..? Its about $200.

   I was driving home the other day and saw the most beautiful rainbow, and then I had the disturbing thought, that gay people use this symbol to recognize each other. I think that is Ghey...

   I am fixing to pull out your voodoo doll. I suggest you brace yourself...

   loves knowing she isnt the only one facebooking it up all alone when the rest of the world is cuddling it up.

   To boost sales,I think fast food chains should add an adult toy to there value menu.

   divorcing her liver and requesting alimony.

   I'm so old. I remember when "flash memory" meant "ability to recall guys in raincoats showing their naughty bits." Those were simpler times for sure!

   breaking up with his flirtatious imaginary girlfriend in hope that his seductive mythological lover could become more allegorical....

   sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.