@plasticmortal Funny Status Messages

   I would like to see a tax on every word that come out of the mouth of politicians. That should balance the budget in a day or two.

   Love is best when it overflows freely from the heart, rather than you having to reach in to get your fill.

   Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're a wet paper towel on a stick

   I think Pringles originally intended to make tennis balls

   a instant human.........just add coffee

   the only thing not covered by the new health care bill is busting your ass

   according to lipton the best way to make tea is to agitate the bag so every morning morning I slap the wife on the ass and say two sugars fatty

   I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth

   A man stopped me in the street today and asked me the quickest way to a hospital, so I pushed him under a bus!

   God created pollsters to make astrologers look accurate

   Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

   Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

   You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   You can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink, but you can make him wish he had!

   Hold your mother today, she was the first to hold you, she held you for 9 months.

   I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

   Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

   "Old people need to urinate all the time... That's why they call it the golden years"

   I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.