xx-foxy Funny Status Messages

   If I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony...

   America: the only country in the world where not wearing a seat-belt carries a bigger penalty then letting hackers steal 143 million citizens social security numbers, bank info, drivers licenses and credit cards...

   Employee: I got to have salary increase. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Really? Which are the three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

   Stress makes you very tired, but it`s stressful to avoid stress, so you end up stressed out anyway,

   My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...

   The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.

   A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already

   When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!!!

   The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin: We send Justin Bieber to Russia!

   Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock...

   Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different.

   The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it...

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   All we need to keep us happy - is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done!!!

   Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving...

   Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

   Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back...

   I'd love to get a hold of Mitt Romney and ask him who does his taxes…

   If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!