will Funny Status Messages

   The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.

   n't it amazing how the sound of one persons voice can ruin your whole day at work.

   Thinks that Facebook should change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?"

   I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school.

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

   Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.

   You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red velvet suit, if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with 9 tiny reindeer pulling him along, then you have to face it your eggnog's too strong

   I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

   Who designed the pants with the word pink on the back? It should be on the front, and the back should say brown.

   Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't meant it either.

   I changed the name of my hard drive to 'that thang,' so once a month, my computer asks me if I wanna back that that thang up.

   You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

   Omg there is high definition paint? People will believe anything. Well I just invented hd crayons, for the low price of 59.99 a box you can watch you drawings pop off the paper.. Idiots

   You are now aware that you can't say Irish wristwatch.

   I went to Lowe's with a bucket of Legos and asked the manager if we could build something together. She threw me out.

   What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!

   If you purchased $1000 worth of Delta airlines stock one year ago, you would have $49. If you invested it in aig you'd have $33. If you spent $1000 on beer and recycled the cans you would have $214.50. Therefor drinking heavily is your best investment.

   Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.