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   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone

   It's official I'm suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights

   911 operator what's your emergency" "Are ya'll hiring?"

   I guess running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels