sarah Funny Status Messages

   My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don't exist. He's busy vacuuming now.

   I hate going to bed on an empty v@gina :(

   The tattoos in your shirtless profile pic say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'.

   Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, that's more like it.

   Why hasn't Sears made a riding vacuum cleaner?

   The only thing I want negative in my life is pregnancy tests.

   If my cat could talk I have a feeling it would tell me "stop talking to me crazy woman and go get laid"

   If I had a d ick I'd definitely get it stuck in something it wasn't supposed to be in by the end of the first day.

   Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another cat.

   Fellas; For every minute you spend 'down there,' I'll donate a dollar to Michael Douglas' Throat Cancer Research Fund.

   If I bend over for any reason and you don't immediately come behind and air hump me, you're not my kinda guy.

   Time to get white girl wasted,scream wooo at strangers, cry in a bathroom,take a pic in said bathroom flashing a gang sign & call it a night

   I'd let you hold my boob before I'd let you hold my cell phone.

   My boobs are nice so I don't have to be.

   My warning label would simply read: Take me regularly. In case of overdose, enjoy.

   The amount of times I've tried to stick my key in other people's locks just to see if it fits is probably the reason I wasn't given a d*ck

   If you can't handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart then you don't deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

   Let's have phone sex and you can hang up on me before I'm done to keep it realistic

   Don't call me sugar, call me Splenda. I'm artificially sweet.

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that people with big boobs don't need to do math