mtq Funny Status Messages

   If everyone were telling the truth on fb, the economy would be booming, all kids would be geniuses, everyone would look like they're in their 20's, and all relationships would remain happily ever after.

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

   I'm coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.

   I'm a walking Economy. My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of the two is putting me into a deep depression!

   All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.

   You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.

   I saw an ad on TV that settles the age old query..."What started the universe, God or The Big Bang?" I come to find out in a 30 second commercial that the Solar System is powered by a Jimmy Dean Sausage Biscuit.

   I patiently wait, after posting a humorous status message on facebook, for the first "Debbie Downer" to come along who completely doesn't get it, then posts a comment which totally destroys the joke

   I have a question. How is it that the man who wasn't good enough to wed your daughter, can somehow be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the world?

   Attention Club Lonely... Keep posting those deep, philosophical, pseudo, life enriching quotes on your profiles. It tells the opposite sex what a day at the amusement park you are.

   Don't you know it's rude to talk while I'm interrupting?

   My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

   Wanna lose weight? Try the grapefruit diet. Eat something...follow with half a grapefruit. Eat something else...half a grapefruit. So far today I've had 94 grapefruits.

   Three weeks into 2012. Now don't some of you feel silly for actually believing things were going to get better simply because we pinned a new calendar on the wall?

   I love American Idol. Except for the judges, the singers, and Ryan Seacrest.

   Day Off+ Get Nothing Done=Successful Day Off

   The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.

   Pro Gun, Pro Gun Control, Pro Life, Pro Choice, Pro This, Pro That, ....How about Pro Common Sense?

   My girlfriend insists on buying tuna in water. "It's healthier then the tuna in oil!" Then we get home and she puts a gallon of mayonnaise in it.