minnie haha Funny Status Messages

   I accidentally drank two energy drinks this morning and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

   I'm going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn't matter... something's gonna die tonight.

   I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.

   No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything.

   Either my spidey senses are tingling, or my foot just fell asleep....

   I won employee of the month!!!.... again! I love being self employed.

   If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.

   Uh-oh. My guardian angel just enrolled in the witness protection program.

   woke up this morning to a little frost on the pumpkins. Guess it's time to start wearing a bra again.

   The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.

   Screw doing sit ups...teddy bears don't and everyone loves them.

   Definitions: It is an "Asteroid" when traveling through space. It becomes a "Meteor" once it enters Earth's atmosphere. It is a "Meteorite" once it hits the ground. And it is "holymotherofgodwhatthehelljusthappened?!?" if it hits anywhere near you.

   I haven't got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops.

   Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.

   maybe the Mayans were referring to the Twinkiepocalypse.

   Whiskey and Ambien. When you absolutely, positively, have to wake up naked on your neighbors lawn holding a mailbox.

   Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.

   I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.

   Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

   This job fair sucks... They don't have one ride...