mckibben Funny Status Messages

   Halloween is just over a week away now. When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”

   Ready for my new work out video ABS of BEER!

   RadioShack has announced plans to close 1,000 stores throughout the U.S. RadioShack customers were very upset when they got the news on their pagers.

   Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

   The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse

   Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are among Barbara Walters' "10 most fascinating people of 2013." In a related story, Barbara has been named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2013."

   Saudi Arabia is now threatening to sever diplomatic ties with the United States over Syria. I hope that doesn't cause them to do something drastic, you know, like overcharge us for oil.

   Researchers in Hawaii recently put webcams on the fins of sharks so they could get a firsthand view of what the sharks see. The first thing they saw: a shark eating the guy who strapped a webcam on its fin.

   The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it's like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.

   Despite our love of candy and fast food, the number of Americans who will live to be 100 years or older will increase dramatically. In 2010 there were 53,000 centenarians in the United States, and I have driven behind every single one.

   jUSTIN BIEBER..........Really, 60 miles an hour? But to be fair, Bieber was in Florida. Anything over 20 miles an hour is considered drag racing.

   The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.

   I am really glad the shutdown is over. I'll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.

   I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.

   next time you go to a restaurant and ask for a Coke, and they say "is Pepsi OK?", you should reply "is Monopoly money OK?"

   Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. I had it backward.

   On Monday, Chipotle will begin selling tofu burritos in the New York area. So if you love burritos, and you love tofu . . . you probably don’t exist.

   It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants.

   On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, “It looks so different sober."

   According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading.