kisstoper707 Funny Status Messages

   Car washes are just another shower to cry in.

   When I drink I don't need a designated driver, I need a designated hide my phone person

   My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.

   I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.

   Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.

   This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.

   When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

   It's not every day you're woken up with a blow job from a beautiful woman. And today was no different.

   To the person who corrected my grammar online, I killed you’re whole family

   Do you ever randomly start thinking about a time you embarrassed yourself 15 years ago and get embarrassed all over again?

   ME: I miss you KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It's done. Stop calling me.