griff Funny Status Messages

   I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.

   According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

   When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married

   this morning there was ants all over my counter in the kitchen, I killed them all except one so he could go back tell his friends I'm serious about no ants in my house!

   If Facebook gets any slower, I'm just going to jog to each of your houses and shout out stuff.

   Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3.

   I saw a charity appeal in the newspaper the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

   Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ''Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?''

   Willow Smith is 11 years old and has a tongue piercing, half of her hair shaved off, and is claiming to be bisexual? Sounds like somebody needs to move in with their auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

   If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes

   Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

   I'm going to be the first person to walk on the sun...I know what ur thinking an I've got it all figured out...I'm going at nite

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.

   You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.

   only eats chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™

   Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her ass.

   Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman" or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?

   Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"