glimmertriplet Funny Status Messages

   Now all of a sudden having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, a gallon of bleach and plastic sheeting in the trunk of my car is okay.

   Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.

   My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

   Trump has been under investigation for two years. None of his enemies has committed suicide.

   Bernie Sanders is finally going to pay his staff the $15 minimum wage he advocates for. But he's going to reduce their hours. He has proven the point that increasing the minimum wage to $15 will cost people hours and jobs.

   Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only.

   Got some good financial news today. The kid I've been sponsoring in some third-world country got eaten by a lion.

   Generic Frosted Flakes are Oooooooookay!

   I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo. - said no Juan ever.

   I hope there will never be an assassination attempt on our President Elect. But it would be really funny just to hear the Secret Service yell "Donald, duck!"

   I got in touch with my feminine side this morning. I made myself breakfast.

   The last time Houston was under this much water her first name was Whitney.

   If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.

   It's hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.

   It just occurred to me that Trump got more fat women out walking in one day than Michelle Obama did in eight years.

   I sure am glad Hillary didn't get elected because we'd still have Obamacare and be at war with Syria.

   What if April 2 is April Fool's Day and we've been April Fooled all this time?

   I would rather sit in front of Pee Wee Herman at a movie theater while out on a date with OJ Simpson after having drinks at Bill Cosby's bar where they use Flint, MI ice cubes after taking an elevator ride with Ray Rice all while Casey Anthony babysits.