eengrms Funny Status Messages

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...

   Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...

   I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night...

   I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...

   The five second rule is exponentially longer when no one else is around...

   People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?

   How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now...

   I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it...

   Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...

   They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It's "The bill formerly known as a twenty."

   Winning the game using deflated balls? Is this the NFL or the Tour De France?

   So you'll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year... Your move Weight Watchers...

   For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea's TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...

   I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...

   Can someone get Seal Team Six some round trip tickets to North Korea?

   I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...

   I think instead of doing laundry I'm just going to buy a second hamper...

   If the US government shutdown affected alcohol or internet porn they’d have it fixed by tomorrow morning...