Unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.

   Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.

   People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.

   I wanna get rich enough to say to someone "nonsense, you can stay in our guest house"

   People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing

   I would totally watch a House Hunters companion show that explains how some of these idiots have so much freakin' money.

   Diet status: Discovered that a Pringles can fits exactly into the cup holders of my truck today.

   Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna run out of status material... Then I look around at my family and I'm like, naaa I'm good.

   99% of being an adult is basically just not being mean to people you don't like anymore

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille

   Problems that have NOT been solved? Please join my class action suit against Vanilla Ice, who promised to solve them.

   After tomorrow we'll no longer be hating folks because of their candidate. We can go back hating them for how they eat, or what movie they like

   5 Stages of Grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Complaining online 4. Complaining online 5. Complaining online

   Promise me that when you leave Facebook, you guys will tell me where you're going, unlike that time you all ditched me on MySpace.

   My favorite part about being an adult is thinking about how stupid I was as a child for wishing I was an adult.

   Those annoying "live chat" customer service pop-ups go away if you ask them what they're wearing.

   Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a "runner's high" is.