Tim Funny Status Messages

   Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?.....That's as crazy as the low low prices at Dave's Furniture Emporium

   Did you say photographic memory or pornographic memory? I have one of those.

   I just got my wifes Christmas gift. I hid it in the oven. She will never find it there!

   thinks that they should change the name of Starbucks to Fivebucks

   was thrown out of a casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table.

   thinks you're his smartest and best-looking friend on Facebook. (Thanks for not telling the others.)

   Just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Think I'll slip into a Snuggie and watch some infomercials.

   I've got an empty coffee cup and no memory of drinking it. I don't put cream in my coffee, so I think that's a black out.

   I seen a Lady driving a 18 wheeler on the highway today..Thought to my self.. Thats a funny looking kitchen..

   needs some fresh air and regrets the decision to let the cat lick up the spilled Fiber One yogurt.

   My grandfather was one-half Cherokee. When he danced it got partly cloudy.

   doesn't think you should put the pedal to the medal in that Toyota.

   Yoda's last name Lay-he-hoo?

   thinking about an Apple sporting goods store: iBalls

   Am I the only one that found irony in Walmart having a whites sale this week?

   God was the greatest inventor of all time. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker

   I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. That crazy thing would never shut up. The parrot was kind of cool, though.

   just saw a Prius with that brake problem. It was barreling down the road at speeds exceeding 35 MPH.

   not lazy, he's just phsycially conservative.

   wonders if there are gay terrorists. I bet they'd wear fancy explosive underwear.