StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   If you feel like you've done nothing in life remember that some trees take 20 years to grow only to become notebooks with Justin Bieber on them.

   I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching 'Night at the Roxbury.' "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"

   I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can't find it...

   I'm going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep

   This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken."

   I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"

   Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

   Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping FU<K YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.

   This bar doesn't know it yet, but it's about to be karaoke night.

   I'm texting nothing but ugly girls from now on. They text back so fast!

   What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

   Words I'm incorporating into my vernacular: Vernacular, Incorporating

   I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh*t, I want you to as well.

   when I catch a spider in the house, I tie him up and waterboard him. Then I throw him outside so he can tell his friends not to fu<k with me.

   Some people only pick up a Bible when they want a tattoo.

   I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.

   Sorry I can't hangout, my phone is only at 61%.

   Note to self: If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.

   Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30