Slasher Funny Status Messages

   I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Microsoft Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my eleven page essay that I swear I didn't make any changes to.!

   I miss the days when you could simply push somebody in the pool without wondering if their iPhone is in their pocket!

   "We're born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. Only thorugh our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." Orson Wells

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I think this is the one time in his life, where he wishes she sent him for tampons!

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I have five fingers, the middle one is for you!

   Dear Math, I'm sick and tired of finding your "x". Just accept the fact that she's gone and move on dude!

   [Average Salaries] U.S. Soldier: $54,000....U.S. Congressman: $174,000 (Not counting bonuses)....What's wrong with this picture?

   Dear Facebook: Stop being like my Mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with!

   Nothing imroves creativity like a lack of supervision!

   When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is?" I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that!

   It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, but it takes even fewer to give the finger to whoever made you frown.

   I think I have pretty nice nipples for a guy. Not bragging, just stating a fact.

   Dear Facebook: If I have 62 friends in common with someone and we're still not friends ... it means I don't like them!!! Take a damn hint.

   Dude what are you thinking!? She has a boyfriend!!! Yeah, so??? Just cause hockey has a goalie doesn't mean you can't score!

   I miss the days when I could easily guess the password to my parents computer! Now I have to dust for fingerprints to sign in :(

   Telus: “Your call is very important to us, Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.” :(

   Your parents ask you to do something and you tell them you'll do it in ten minutes but you never do it.....