SVALDEZ187 Funny Status Messages

   i'm not saying i'm batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?

   Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm... but I wasnt finished..

   White smoke emerges from Vatican chimney, indicating either the new pope has been chosen or the chicken fajitas are ready.

   People say "when your palm itches, you are going to receive money". My butt itches... I bet I don't get SH*T¡

   Today is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-A$$ Friday.

   Spoiler Alert: Phillip Seymore Hoffman dies at the end of his Facebook movie.

   On Sunday, don't forget to turn your clocks back an hour. And on Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years...VOTE!!!

   I feel bad for the kids these days that see a cool toy on TV, but can't order it because their parents have to be over 18 to call.

   You shouldn't be buying lobster when you're on a tuna fish budget. 

   Don't worry about Ebola spreading in Dallas. The Cowboys have shown us that people in Dallas can't catch anything.

   And this year's Oscar (Pistorius) goes to ....... Jail. (͡๏̯͡๏)

   My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for new underwear.

   I've got the solution to this whole anti-gay mess with the fast foods. I'm just going to open a pro-gay franchise and call it Chik-fil-HAAAAAAY *snap*

   Norwegian Cruises are offering buy 1 week get 2 free. Use promo code "CORONA"

   so...it seems they announced the new Batman. Christian Bale fans have really Ben Affleckted by it.

   "It's impossible." said pride. "It's risky." said experience. "It's pointless." said reason. "Give it a try." whispered the heart........ "WHAT DA HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!" shouted the anus two minutes later.

   I should really start going to bed earlier so I have more time in the morning to be late for work.

   The beauty of life is that Vodka looks like water.....and water bottles are allowed at work.

   jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

   The Broncos should just sit on the sidelines and watch the Superbowl for the commercials like the rest of us.