Nobody Funny Status Messages

   Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.

   My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.

   My local post office uses four checkouts unless it's really busy; then they use one.

   One of the biggest lies ever: The doctor will be with you in a couple of minutes.

   When people ask me "Plz" because it's shorter than "Please" I tell them "No" because it's shorter than "Yes."

   I didn't text you. Vodka texted you.

   Facebook's been down for 15 minutes and I'm freaking out because I don't know if anyone's having babies, eating food, or sad about work.

   What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.

   I don't drink so that I'm more fun to be around. I drink so that you're more fun to be around.

   If someone does not appreciate your presence, give them a taste of your absence and see how they like it.

   You know you've been friendzoned if a girl adds you as her brother on Facebook.

   You should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, "Alcohol by volume."

   My greatest fear on Monday is greeting someone and asking someone how their weekend went and they actually telling me every mundane details about it.

   There's no sex like the ‘we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.

   I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle. He said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

   I don't know what you see in me, but daily I'm thrilled that you see whatever it is that you see.

   I woke up one day and your name just didn't make me smile anymore.

   It's always "going to be okay" when it's not happening to you.

   Sometimes Karma takes way too long. I would rather beat the crap out of you NOW!

   Never trust anyone that is nice to you, but rude to the waiter.