MG Funny Status Messages

   doesn't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   I had a fight with the wife and didn't see her for three days... Then the swelling went down and I could see her out of one eye

   If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

   The good thing about Facebook is you can make someone disappear from your FB world by simply deleting and blocking the annoying offender. To accomplish the same thing in the real world, you have to find a remote location and take the time to dig a shallow

   On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

   If you want your children to listen to you, try talking softly to someone else

   Be more concerned about your character than about your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you.

   I would like to know exactly what makes the topless protesters mad enough to protest topless so we can do more of it.

   A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

   Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."

   The difference between a sin and shame; It is a sin to put it in; It is a shame to pull it out!

   A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.

   I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, I couldn't find any!

   National Atheist's Day April 1st

   clearly, it is wrong to describe woman's menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.

   believes the difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'

   Jeremiah quickly learned that as long as he had wine, some mighty fine wine, he would always have a friend.

   Since I just finished my 4th glass of this wonderful spirit, all status updates, texts, private messages, and voice mails from me are now considered null and void.

   living the dream, one nightmare at a time.