KAREN Funny Status Messages

   My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.

   Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was RIGHT THERE.

   My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally... just that I'm at the liquor store.

   It's always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.

   Every pair of panties can be a thong if your ass is hungry enough.

   Guys nowadays are so whiny,"these handcuffs are too tight" "there's not enough air in this trunk" "why are you branding your name on my ass"

   Honey, I let myself go and gained all this weight to prevent other men from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

   I bet people at my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

   My Native American name is "Sits with purses while all her friends dance."

   I hope the next iPhone has a stronger Vibrator.

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me

   Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.

   There's so many pictures of trump thrusting an index finger at me in my timeline, I'm starting to feel violated and a little horny.

   Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.

   I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.

   You make me want to be a better class of psycho.

   My boyfriend better be glad he isn't real or there would have been a huge fight about the panties I found in my bed that I forgot were mine.

   How many self defense classes are required before I can date someone in the NFL?

   Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.