Jiffy Pop Funny Status Messages

   I think before we give the government any more money, they need to start showing us some receipts.

   9 out of 10 Status Updates sound more official if you simply add the phrase "9 out of 10".

   I felt sad for this poor guy dressed as The Statue of Liberty in front of Liberty Tax Service...At least he doesn't have it as bad as the Lil' Caesars Pizza Girl. She has to stand there on the roadside holding a sign that says "HOT AND READY 5 DOLLARS!"

   The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper's only tooth.

   Once again Miley Cyrus tries to hijack another awards show by throwing her inexplicably huge pu$$y out there for all the world to see.

   We're sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".

   “Hey, it's been 10 seconds. Check your pockets again. Maybe your missing keys have magically reappeared there.” (My Brain)

   Wouldn’t it be great if people could only get AIDS from being a Politician who screws with the economy and causes a Government Shutdown?

   Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.

   I think I'd takes Joan Rivers opinions on how people look more seriously if she didn't look like something that sits on a ventriloquist's lap.

   As the proud parents of a high school senior, my wife and I want our son to be successful and have all the things we couldn't ever afford. Then we want to move in with him.

   Chris Brown has recently entered Rehab for anger management issues. I for one have faith in Chris. He has never faced anything that he couldn’t beat.

   The difference between Kanye's supposed genius and his stupidity is that his genius has it's limits.

   Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.

   Onions are no longer the only food that can make you tearful. Please add frozen pork roasts that fall out of the freezer onto your toes to the list.

   I think being the winner of the Great American SPAM Recipe Contest is a perfect example of how someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

   Almost 60,000 people from Glastonbury area sign petition asking Glastonbury Festival planners to cancel Kanye West performance. The citizen's petition states "Beyonce would be better"

   Australia's highest court just denied worker's compensation to a bureaucrat who was injured while having sex during a business trip. When asked about the decision, the female employee said “Once again I got screwed".

   Now that I’m over the hill, I’m happy to report I can still do all the things could do when I was in my 20’s. … well, at least the things I can remember.

   Our friends don’t understand our obsession with trying to write clever, original status updates to post online... They wonder why we don’t just copy and paste our status updates like everyone else does.