Jeremycakes Funny Status Messages

   The diamond company "Debeers" has had some pretty interesting slogans. One year it was "Diamonds, will take her breath away.", last year it was "Diamonds will render her speechless.". I think this year it should be, "Diamonds, that'll shut her up."

   If God didn't think humility was important, he would have put the prostate somewhere else.

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!

   To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought "You know, I bet we could make some kind of hot drink out of these things!", I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH! :)

   Have you ever had one of those bad days when you felt like you were the thong and the world was Rosie O donnell?

   Have you ever looked up the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? A hand comes out of the page and slaps you across the face.

   I love the idea of Canada and America sitting down for a bud and a labatts. While we're at it we should have some apple pie and some poutine. America and Canada are like two brothers. We may argue alot but in the end we're family. Hey america. you ROCK!

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they ate all my oreos and were always peeing on my toilet seat.

   I'm not good in relationships.My last relationship ended when I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam up to the surface.

   They say you can't outrun a charging bear. But really you don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun whoever you're with. That's why I only camp with slow people.

   Canada gave the world Justin Beiber. As a canadian, I just wanna say sorry everybody. Our bad. No need to retaliate with nukes or anything.

   I hate it when people repost statuses. By the way, I'm gathering rocks to throw at you.

   WARNING: If you get a message from somebody and it has the subject title "Link to Ashley Simpson videos", DON'T OPEN IT! It's not a virus or anything, but her music is terrible.

   I'm not sure what causes more destruction, a F5 tornado or my 5 year old daughter on a sugar buzz?

   Hi! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a spider. And I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you ever could.

   A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender" I'll have..........a beer." The bartender says" What's with the huge pause?" The bear shrugs and says "I was born with them".

   There are so many people looking for Bin Laden, I think they should also search for Joyce Dewitt from Three's Company. She vanished over 20 years ago. Not even TMZ seem to know where she is.

   My wife was mad because I wouldn't ask for directions even though we were lost. So she makes me pull over and she says to a guy "Please tell my husband where we are.And say it slow so even he'll understand." Then the guy says " BURRR GERRR KIIIING!"

   Sex is the price women pay for marriage,and marriage is the price men pay for sex

   I found a skull near my home today. I went to call the police, but curiosity got the better of me and I picked the skull up and wondered "Who was this person?","Where did he come from?" "How did he die?",and "Why did he have moose antlers?"