Jbabcock Funny Status Messages

   Most wives don't want to hear their husband's opinion. They want to hear their own opinion- in their husband's voice.

   I don't believe it's merely a coincidence the the letters in Frito Lay can be rearranged to spell "oily fart".

   The Pinky Toe:The most sensitive part of your body when it comes to finding furniture in the Dark.

   If my Grandad were alive and on FB he'd be posting the same 9 or 10 stories over and over and as much as that would drive me crazy I would give anything to see his smile and "like" his posts today.

   I used to think that there was this huge difference between Clowns and Mimes. But actually they all scream the same kinds of things at you when you spray them with Pepper Spray.

   The person who coined the phrase "Laughter is the best medicine" probably never received Demerol during his hospitalization.

   After looking for hours I'm pretty sure Waldo has the d@mn remote again.

   I'm certain that the reason that God made Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.

   A Sunday school teacher once saw me leave a door wide open and asked "Were you born in a Barn?!" She shut up real quick when I replied "You mean like JESUS?!!!"

   Why sure you can trust the Government. Just ask a Native American.

   Most men would never agree to marriage if they knew how rare it was to mate in captivity.

   The Patriot Gaurd Motorcycle Riders were awesome at protecting my family from a$$hole Westboro Baptist Haters at my nephews military funeral. Maybe the Hell's Angels to also come and give the same love those hatemongers give others at the next funeral.

   My family loves the Patriot Gaurd Motercycle Riders who shielded us at my nephews military funeral. At the next military funeral I want to also invite the Hell's Angels to give the same love to those protesting hatemongers that they give to others.

   The 6 LEAST POPULAR Nursing Home Games:6 Simon says Something Incoherent 5.Pin the Toupee on Baldy 4. Hide and Go Pee 3. Musical Dentures 2. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over 1 And of course Kick the Bucket.

   Dear Fork, I know I've never contacted you since I ran away with the plate. But I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon

   Dear Boss, Life is full of surprises. I'm not coming into work today. SUPRISE!!

   I really question the marketing tactics at Whosale Furniture Outlets. I've never heard anyone say "Oooh! A giant inflatable Ape!! I think I want to buy a couch!"

   I work 2 jobs so my family won't be homeless. Ironically with all the extra shifts I'm home less.

   It's amazing how many girls are lured into the world of Adult Entertainment. I guess the old saying is true: "There's a sucker born every minute."

   Dear Picky Coworker, Watching you order and customize every aspect of your entrée even going off menu makes us fear what the staff will do to our food. Keep doing this and we'll spit on your plate ourselves. Sincerely, Your Tablemates.