GIL Funny Status Messages

   "Thank-you Robert Kraft and R. Kelly!" - Jussie Smollett

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   I would like to announce my candidacy for mayor of Facebook.

   Ziplock: making a fortune off potheads since 1980

   ‎"It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden. It was our job to arrange the meeting." - United States Navy SEALS

   I just changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so my computer reminds me every time I forget...

   I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.

   "Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.

   BREAKING NEWS: POST OFFICE RAISES 1ST CLASS STAMPS FROM 46 CENTS TO 49 CENTS: Really???.... couldn't you just say 50 cents and save 2 slots in your cash drawer and millions of hours counting change??

   To pay for my funeral, I'm going to sell tickets and DVDs of my death-bed confession and I will be accepting bribes from people to be left out of it.

   Why are women and children always the last survivors in horror films?

   Thanks Sesame Street for telling us Bert & Ernie are not gay, but I'd like to hear it directly from Bert & Ernie.

   Of the 33,000 deleted emails, I think 32,000 of them were confirmation emails from Amazon for pant-suit purchases.

   Twitter was invented to teach women how to communicate silently in 140 characters or less.

   I think we'll be seeing a lot more of Alec Baldwin on SNL the next few years.

   Just think how interesting facebook would be if there was a "cheating on spouse with _______" relationship status

   ‎"There goes the neighborhood" - Spongebob Squarepants

   We're up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn't they just create a weekly TV series?

   I listed the Federal Government as a dependent on my taxes this year

   "Too big to fail"...."Too big to jail"... same thing