FLA PAULY Funny Status Messages

   Heading to the polls to vote for the fifth time this week!!!!...... God I love living in the state of Florida!!!!

   "Nothing but Ben Affleck/Batman crap. Why the hell am I even here??" -NSA guy

   Kim Kardashian has given birth. No news on how big the litter.

   Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never experienced two candy bars falling down at the same time from a vending machine!!!!

   I just kicked an empty soda can and somehow scored a goal against Brazil.

   I'm tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ's sake people, don't you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!

   Westboro Batist Church founder dead!!!! Who's up for a funeral protest?!?!?!

   Met Taylor Swift at the airport this morning and complimented her on her dress. Now she's sitting in a tree outside my window in a wedding dress with a guitar..... This can't be good!!!

   I'm shocked that Chris Christie would be involved in the blocking of a major artery.

   I hope when I get to hell, I'll be the guy that gets picked to torture these Westboro Baptist pricks. That would be Heaven for me!!!

   Read Putin's Op-Ed in the New York Times. This crap would have been a lot more believable if after every paragraph he said "....Mr. Bond."

   My girlfriend just asked me to make her feel special. So I gave her a helmet and a box of crayons.

   Not sure why everyone is concerned about rioting if Zimmerman is found not guilty. No one rioted after OJ got away with murder!!

   Government opens. Confederate flags at half mast.

   Miracle birth AND resurrection! Making Frosty the Snowman my personal savior.

   I don't think the country that sells Dolly Madison Pink Frosted Zingers should be preaching about using chemical weapons on people.

   Renault and Ford are coming out with a new car. It's a combo of the Clio and Taurus. It's called the Clitaurus. It comes in pink and male thieves won't be able to find it even if someone tells them where it is!!!!

   I don't care if this urinal handle is ten feet up.....I'm still flushing with my foot!!

   Happy Birthday to John Lennon who would have turned 72 today....Imagine!

   FOX NEWS....Rich people paying rich people to tell middle class people to blame poor people.